I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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