that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
