My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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