I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i wish my penis had a tongue
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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