I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
