I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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