I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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