I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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