Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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