Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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