I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
