dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
