right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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