I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
