You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
