ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
