Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
