A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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