No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
