She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
