So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
