Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
