Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
