Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
