just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
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