I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
