My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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