Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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