i can't believe i had my finger in that
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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