Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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