Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
