finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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