I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
