6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
