I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
