You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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