As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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