i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
