Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
