Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize