I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize
