Barsexuality is the new black.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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