i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
