I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
