half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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