I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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