well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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