How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
