BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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