After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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