everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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