ya dads aren't the best wingmen
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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