So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
