Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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