I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
