How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
