I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
