he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
