Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
