fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
