I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
