a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
