It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
